


In Reality

by Lilrab



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:03:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5711914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilrab/pseuds/Lilrab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya is trying not to break, because he knows what they have isn't real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Reality

How many times has it been? He has lost count now. He is glad he hasn’t seen him today, or the day before, or the day before that. He is relieved, he is glad, he is hurt, he is crying…

He sees himself in the mirror of his bathroom, forcing a smile, every tear falling from his cheeks leaving him cold. But he can’t help but laugh, that’s his nature, to even hide to himself how weak he is.

He’s not buying it of course. Because he is him, he can’t fool himself at this point.

-Hahaha… what the hell am I doing?-

His voice was clear, but somehow he couldn’t hear the words.

-We were just fucking… it wasn’t really love _so what the hell?_ -

 

 

> “You are not buying this…. You don’t really _know_ him quite that well”

Izaya’s laugh only grew louder. His tears still falling. He would fight with himself about this over and over again, and each time in the end he would hear

> "You know he doesn’t know you in reality"

-I fell in love with you- His smile grew wider, he couldn’t believe he was saying those words.

 

 

> “He wouldn’t love the real you” That was true, he wouldn’t love the real Izaya.

-I want to tell you Shizu-chan… haha how lame does that sounds?- He wouldn’t wipe his tears. How could he be like this? He was angry at himself, he wouldn’t forgive himself for how stupid he was right now.

 

 

> “You don’t _know_ him _in reality_ … so what do you pretend to love ahout Shizuo?”

-Maybe is that you remind me of this dream… this dream had someone just like _you_ -

He could feel the touch, the warmth, the pain and the hate growing more every time. Every time they happened to have sex.  
But he remembered every word, every breath and every hit.

 

> _‘Isn’t it lame to sleep with the person you hate the most Shizu-chan? I do it because I like to make fun of you’_

He would say every time they met and had sex. And every time Shizuo would answer with a strong punch in the face.

Izaya’s fist hit the mirror. It broke.  
He was bleeding now, but at least he couldn’t see himself anymore. He wouldn’t pity himself anymore.

-To think that you could _love_ someone like me-

He started to laugh. An insane sound, just as insane as him.

-You heard me say that I would rather live my life _alone_ …- His voice was hoarse and soft, it didn’t even reach his head anymore.

-…Than find myself with buried dreams with someone-

 

> ‘ _I fear your love would never come my way_ ’

-I don’t love you in reality-

His tears had stopped now, that smug smirk was still on his face.

-Hahaha to think that I could love someone like you-

-I hate even the part I don’t know about you Shizu-chan-

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He wasn’t seen in Ikebukuro for a time, a long time.

And when he finally came back he didn’t even glance at Shizuo. Everything they had and did became unreal, just a dream they both had and tried to forget about.

_‘You don’t really know me… And I would never love you’_

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually from a song, I just couldn't stop listening to it and I had Shizaya feels and I had to write it.  
> The song is In Reality from The Tiny.  
> I know its kind of ooc but I had to write it cuz I was drowning in feels and i needed angst.  
> Anyways I hope you like it and suffer with me(? Thanks for reading <3


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